my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
