Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
