My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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