Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize