You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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