I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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