I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
