I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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