uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
