and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize