Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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