remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
