He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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