I seem to have left my pride at pride
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
