The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
