Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
