i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize