he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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