When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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