Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
