I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
