You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
