you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
