im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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