I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
