Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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