Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
