if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
