He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize