I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I smell like Dick and happiness
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