They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize