And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
