wanna go halves on a baby?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
