U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
