I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
