Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
