3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
