You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
