For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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