gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
