just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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