They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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