Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
