she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize