Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
