Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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