I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
