I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
