I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
