Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
