i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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