after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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