Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
