break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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