I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So many bounce houses so little time
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
