wakey wakey hands off snakey
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
