This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
