From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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